This weekend we were invited to a Halloween party which has been in the diary for a good while.
It’s been 6 weeks since I have been off the booze and in that time I would say I have been laying low. Avoiding places where I am around alcohol for too long. I’ve been for the odd meal with a friend but no big events.
I felt a little apprehensive about this party. The good thing is it was a day thing and we were leaving at 7pm as my husband wanted to watch the rugby final. I only had to cope 4 hours without booze.
I took 3 Heineken zero alcohol bottles with me, this was so I felt like I was drinking and also because I wanted others to think I was too. The 3 bottles lasted me 2 hours so then I drank water for the next 2 which was dull. I felt like I had this void so I ate food instead. The final hour I was itching to leave. I started to feel awkward, uncomfortable and I didn’t know what to do with my hands. I felt agitated and ran out of conversation. I was really annoyed with myself.
I started to doubt if I can do this. I know I am only committing to not drinking for 3 months initially but in the back of my mind I want to do it for longer. I was so confident in the previous weeks that I can have fun without it, that I am fun without it. Now I feel like a failure.
What made it worse was the slight judgement from a couple of others I felt.
One comment was “but you have to live as well you know”. Like I am only living if I have a drink! I wasn’t prepared for it and couldn’t think of a response that didn’t make me sound defensive. Instead I said I know, it’s only for 3 months. I was so disappointed with what I said. The response I should have said was a that actually I am doing it so I can live more, do more and be healthier.
On the drive on the way home with husband and daughter in tow I felt my mood drop. It wasn’t until the next day I realised it wasn’t because I didn’t drink that I was feeling like this but it was because I am still worried what people think of me. The next day I also felt fresh as a daisy, woke up at 5.30am, talked to my mum for an hour (11 hours behind in the UK) whilst walking around in the sun, and took my daughter wall climbing and went for a family breakfast on the marina all before 9.30am. I thought about all the people at the party waking with their hangovers, eating crap, feeling anxious and falling in and out of consciousness all day and smugly thought ha who’s living now!
I hope the first is the worst because now it should get better. I need to remember the reasons why alcohol is no good for me as there are zero reasons why alcohol is good for me.